The preview to this upcoming season in the NFL is quite simple:
THE BROWNS ARE GOING TO—I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I can see the Browns take up most of the headlines on the AFC, while the Cowboys take up all the headlines on the NFC side. But neither one of these teams is going to the Super Bowl. I think this is finally the year the Chiefs can overcome the Patriots, and they will run into the Philadelphia Eagles that are returning back to form for as long as Wentz remains healthy.
But I’m not here for the preview, I’m here to scream some more about the Dolphins and demand at the very least an entertaining season.
The Miami Dolphins are clearly tanking, they are clearly trying to lose every game this season. And here’s the thing: tanking does not work in the NFL. Tom Brady, arguably the greatest quarterback in the history of football, was picked extremely low in the draft. Aaron Rodgers, one of the more talented QBs this generation, also was picked low. You need a good culture, a good system, a good personality, and smart drafting as well as smarter recruiting. Does you no good to have draft picks if you don’t know how to pick the talent.
To add to that, you also need health, which is something the Dolphins have been lacking for over a decade in the most important position in football. Tannehill has Prescott and Smith numbers whenever his shoulder isn’t threatening his career, back in 2009 Chad Pennington pre-career-ending injury was one of the most accurate QBs in the entire league. We weren’t too many pieces removed from a competitive team, yet here we are going older in the QB spot, giving up the heart and soul of the Miami locker room, and constructing a broken, inexperienced roster that is primed for consistent heartbreaks.
What bothers me the most is that the Dolphins are a decade removed from what should have been their direction this season: the sensationally unpredictable.
Unpredictable play is what gave the Dolphins their best season this century. The Wildcat came out of nowhere and overtook the NFL by storm, giving Miami an 11-5 record that should have been even better had they started the season with the Wildcat and had they been able to stop the Texans just one more time during that crushing last-minute road loss in Week 6. That team, with that playbook, with that energy, could have been a 13-3 team, seriously. Problem is, Chad Pennington after that magical run was never the same because of injury, Tony Sparano (rest in peace) never developed his surprise-surprise gameplan further, and Chad Henne and Matt Moore were NOT anywhere near as good as Pennington or even Jay Fiedler from the early 2000s.
It’s time for an advanced version of the wildcat.
I call it the honey badger.
If the Miami Dolphins want to toss the season, at least toss it with style, toss it with some entertainment value attached. Give me the Wildcat on steroids. Give me the most ridiculous arsenal of football plays the league has ever seen. If it is a lost season, and everyone from critics to fans knows it, let’s have some freakin’ fun and get our money’s worth.
Give me the Honey Badger. The Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit. And neither should the Dolphins.
The Honey Badger’s offensive scheme involves three quarterbacks being used depending on situation, sometimes in the same exact play. The Honey Badger involves at least five Hail Mary attempts at random moments throughout the game. I want no punting, always go for it on fourth down if you pass the halfway point on the field. I want excessively long field goal attempts. I want constant fake punts and fake field goals, because three points and giving the ball back is for wimps and quitters. Give me at least three onside kicks per match just because.
I want running plays that involves literally the entire team running in the same direction as the player with the ball. I want surprise lateral passes in the middle of a run. Give me fake snaps, early counts, fake shouts, extremely long-snap shotgun formations, taunting, trash-talking, speaking in different languages once in a while just to confuse the opponent. No traditional football, I want some pee wee college football constant risk-taking football that throws off the other team because no way you can predict what the honey badger will do next. Down by three touchdowns? Then no punting the rest of the game. Up by a couple touchdowns? Time to really stick a fork in the game with a hail mary. The quarterback will also be a kicking specialist, so in every single field goal play you don’t know if he’s going to kick or actually pass it.
Now for the defense. I want blitzing on 85% of the plays, regardless if the opponent knows a blitz is coming. I want completely random defensive setups. Have only the offensive line at the line of scrimmage on some plays, and place everyone else 5 yards back. Have plays where nobody goes after the quarterback, instead completely defending the field after the line of scrimmage. Blitzing on a fourth down in which they are going to punt? Go for it, let the ball sail away. Give me chaos. Give me ridiculous formations. I want it all. At the very least put us in the headlines as we whether lose spectacularly, or shockingly upset a team or two. And don’t explain the madness to the press, don’t ever give a reason for why you do the things that you did. Remain shrouded in confusing mystery.
I am a disgruntled, disappointed Miami Dolphins fan that deserves an entertaining season, even if it won’t lead to a winning one. The defense right now collectively has a career sack total of less than 10. The offensive line’s best pieces have been traded away. Our youngest quarterback has been replaced by an aging veteran who was signed only to take the blunt of the expected losses. At the very least, give me a chaotic season that will spark conversations. Give me a series of plays throughout the season that makes the wildcat about as sophisticated as a BBC documentary.
I deserve this, and I want this. The usual suspects will make the playoffs (Pats, Steelers, Chiefs, Eagles, Saints, Seahawks, etc.), and the Patriots will probably win the division again. Everything is too predictable, let’s shake things up with a team and an aggressively catastrophic playbook. Bring me back to a Wild Wild West version of the 2008 Miami Dolphin Wildcat squad that shockingly won the division in what seemed like an eternity ago.
Give me the Honey Badger. Don’t give a shit. And maybe then, I’ll give this season of football a chance.