I think its over.

I think its over.

It’s been a good run, an effort-filled run, but I think its over.

I admit I have been spending the past several years trying to recollect, trying to revert back to the creative energy I had prior to the pandemic, all while also trying to reconnect with those who can help me move forward with the elongated desire to have a career in screenwriting, or at the very least content creating. And I know I’ve been in the right direction, as many ideas I’ve had over the years have ended up becoming actual products in television, cinema, and even streaming.

This isn’t to say that people are directly stealing my ideas, but it is to say that I feel like I’ve had the right ideas on what the culture and entertainment industry would be interested in experiencing and creating.

Those who know me best, which is a dwindling number, know I worked on an animated Super Mario script decades before the Nintendo/Illumination film happened and made billions. Those who know me best are aware that I once actually wrote to Disney in detail exclaiming that Nintendo will be the next major IP that is going to enter the next level of popularity and will likely want theme park representation in the future. While as a cast member, Disney received my presentation back in 2010 and 2013, which was years before the Nintendo Switch became arguably the most-successful piece of hardware in the history of gaming. I laid out an entire theme park full of Nintendo IP attractions that Disney could have created with the layout of Magic Kingdom (of course the park was called the Mushroom Kingdom, and here's actually a super-old article I had written about how I’d craft it). Once it was announced that Universal would be the one partnering with them, I got a bunch of facebook messages from people asking me if I had seen the news.

I had a pilot script that ended up being useless as The Bear became a thing. I had a tv show idea that if I were to try to pitch today, I’d might be accused of ripping off Atlanta despite developing it back in 2012. I actually had a short-lived youtube channel way back in 2010 about finding different local restaurants, which predates all the content creators making a living finding spots to recommend. Not only that, but the style me, my brother, and my cousin had loosely developed during its short short run was slightly ahead of the curve by a few years, as we did the fourth-wall breaking/authenticity-fracturing editing shtick we see much more of within YouTube.

I have scripts for Cowboy Bebop and One-Punch Man collecting dust now that those IPs became remade by others (p.s., Netflix could have avoided all the negativity with the direction they took the series in if they had just called the show Cowboy Bebop Remixed). I wanted to tackle the book Console Wars, but that was adapted into a television series that’s still in the works. As of most-recently I had a slew of potential Let’s Play projects to help family/friends that fell through because they weren’t really willing to put in the effort----and versions of said projects exist today within Jomboy Media, some Twitch streamers, and especially Party Crashers. Once again, I’m not claiming theft, but its draining seeing all these similar projects happen over the years while I’m still trying to cling on to any sort of partnership that could help me in the long run.

Of course, there’s also what happened during the pandemic. And for the record, my problems are a mere drop in the bucket compared to what happened to millions of people and families, but on a personal level the pandemic was indeed a great big turning point for me outside of the health risks of the time.

All those loose connections are whether gone or became disinterested in the film/television industry overall post-pandemic. I know someone who worked for AMC, she now has two kids and works remotely. Another one of my potential connections also settled down and got a more stable and less-chaotic gig. And once again, nothing against them, as the pandemic shifted a lot of mindsets, but as someone who already didn’t have much of an open window, its just more opportunities being gone.

I lost my apartment during the early days of the pandemic, forcing me nowadays to literally spend $250 a month on coffee shops to try to work on creative projects because my tiny room in the condo my parents own is just not enough. The kitchen isn’t really mine; I don’t have a living room of my own, and as much as I appreciate my parents for the rest of my life, it’s just not enough space for me…never has been.

I’m 37 now, I don’t quite feel that age until we talk about where I am in life and how little space I actually have for myself. At 37, my dad had a large home with a nice backyard, three bedrooms, a garage. Me? I have a bedroom, and yes that puts me in a better spot than millions, but with the creative process, it is an obstacle.

And under these conditions combined with the political atmosphere, seeing right-wing misinformation infiltrate the extended family from a variety of angles, I’ve developed probably the worst case of writer’s block in my life. Of course I have done a few essays, mostly on the sports and political side, but the output has been drastically decreasing every year along with my potential connectivity to select avenues that can help.

So therefore, I think it’s over.

It’s likely been over for a minute, but coming to terms with it has taken longer, and it’s been taking its toll.

The desire of such a potential career on that front has waned significantly as I continue slowly recovering and attempting to collect pieces of what was a better life. But nostalgia is tricky, because it can disguise the amount of time that has passed, and can disguise the improbability of reclaiming what I have lost as well as the realities of what is happening in the world around you.

I still dream about working at Disney, I mean that literally. I still have memories baked in about my time working in the House of Mouse, and I reference it all the time, and when I sleep I continue finding myself in Disney. To be brutally honest, even with the frustrations, the craziness, and the over-abundance of managers, Disney is still the most stable job I’ve ever worked. I didn’t realize how nice I had it in Disney until I ended up at Universal Studios CityWalk. The differences are night and day.

But I haven’t actually worked at Disney in 6 years.

I always talk and fantasize about the apartment I used to live in, my delightful one-bedroom where I had the nice kitchen, I had a bed disguised as a sofa in the living room, my nice TV that’s always waiting for me, and a bookshelf full of books, movies, and things I’ve collected. 

But that apartment has been gone for over 4 years.

I have made feeble efforts to find people who I had lost contact with over the years as my social media presence (believe it or not) slightly dwindled, even though I haven’t actually talked to some of these people in years.

I miss what I had, I miss the spark, but admittingly it’s silly to chase a past time that cannot be duplicated, it’s become a daunting mental task to remember that most of this isn’t coming back. Especially with the pandemic, especially with the way things have gone and how things ended, there’s no going back. The chapter is written in ink and there’s no use trying to copy the vibes, copy the energy, imitate the peace and calm that came with that era.

And what’s likely worst of all is that while trying to collect what I’ve lost, its eaten away at a ton of my free time, and yes even when I’m traveling.

I don’t watch as many movies as I used to, I don’t watch as many shows or engage as much with Netflix, and worst of all the amount of time I’ve dedicated to video games was reduced to almost nothing. So yea, I think it’s over. I think the career path is just about shut. And shutting that door would open the door to more free time, more breathing room, and less pointless anxiety as to where I should be in life, where I should be career-wise.

What does the future hold?

I have no idea. Vote Kamala.

In all seriousness, what happens to all the scriptwriting and efforts to develop my portfolio on the writing scene? Probably done. I think I’ll just blog once in a while, maybe a travel essay every couple weeks to support the local economy, and make stronger efforts to reduce my time online. Maybe take more photos.

But change is needed, and I think enough time has passed for me to see that 2010-2019 isn’t coming back, creatively and logistically. World has changed too much, and those connections will likely not come back, those bridges won’t mend. This all comes off as gloomy but it could be beginning of something better, a life of more free time and a clearer picture of what to do next.

But it starts with me finally fully closing that door.

It's likely over. On to the next chapter.