The Good, The Bad, and the Broken: Why Epic Universe is the U.S.A. of Theme Parks

The United States is celebrating its 250th birthday this year. In the grand scheme of things, historically and culturally speaking the country is still very very young. Even with established countries like Germany and Italy developing after the formation of U.S.A., the cultural backbone behind most nations around the world predates their modern foundations by centuries, in some instances millenniums.

This is part of the reason why there are always movements seeking to improve the country, as opposed to accepting the country as it is, flaws and all. The political and moral march towards equality and reaching the nation’s true potential has started from the very beginning, as some even within the social circle of the Founding Fathers argued about the hypocrisy of “All Men are Created Equal” while owning slaves and being hostile towards Native Americans. United States is still developing its cultural framework, brick by brick. Japan doesn’t become the Japan we know without centuries of historical events and changes.

Needless to say, this delightful but very flawed country is an ongoing work in progress, the idea of America has yet to be met with the realities of America. We have made strides (Reconstruction, Civil Rights Movement, The New Deal, Eisenhower-era economics, the world-class diverse cities of Chicago and New York), but we have also experienced many obstacles and setbacks (Vietnam/Cold War, Reagan, Operation Condor, War on Terror, Reagan, Jim Crow, Trump, Reagan, Trump 2.0, Biden’s Democratic Pary).

And this is why Universal’s Epic Universe is the United States of all theme parks: mix of great ideas with great execution and baffling decisions, inconsistency, cut corners, and backhanded greed.

The idea of Epic Universe is significantly stronger than the end product. There is room for growth, there is room for Epic to become a world-class park worthy of the price tag, but as of now I truly cannot sit here and say that my experience warrants a second visit or warrants praise towards the company still trying to catch up to Disney.

Let’s start with the good of Epic Universe, similar to the strengths of the United States: diversity.

Epic Universe’s five main sections are very different in scope, atmosphere, theming, size, and mood. In one moment, you feel like you’re inside a Super Mario video game. The next moment, you’re encountering massive monsters that have emerged after Frankenstein’s experiment has gone awry. On another moment you are engaged with a show involving dragons, and after that you’re taking part in a wizard trial that has gone out of control while hanging out in early 20th century Paris. Epic Universe is the most ambitious Universal park, it has the most immersive themed worlds in the company’s history.

The park is beautiful when it needs to be, and very moody when the scene calls for it. The details are grand, secrets around every corner, and the sheer depth of these themed lands ranks up there with the likes of Galaxy’s Edge in Disneyland and Hollywood Studios. The cast working within the confides of the park were also great, very helpful and efficient. When everything is in full operation and full swing, Epic Universe truly shines.

Key phrase: “When everything is in full operation.”

Back to the United States, the sheer idea of America and proper execution of said idea yields some of the best results in the entire planet. Orlando is arguably the most diverse city in the southeast with the influx of international workers that end up at Disney and Universal, and combine that with the Puerto Rican, East Asian, African American, Brazilian diasporas and you have yourself a city with lots of flavor. Let’s also not forget that Orlando is one of the better cities for the LGBTQ+ community within the entire South.

Disney World and the Universal chain of theme parks do not survive without the diverse population and without the mostly-friendly approach towards all these communities. Orlando does not become one of the most-visited cities in the world without the hospitality towards all. And of course we can’t forget the diversity success stories of Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago, and New York City.

But a lot of the United States openly rejects the idea of said diversity, which is why the country cannot quite reach its potential. The open hostility of the more rural regions and states results in many of these diasporas having to move to places that will embrace them with open arms. Part of what allows New York City to continue growing and evolving is the fact that many regions throughout the South, Midwest, and Appalachian enclaves don’t enjoy the demographics shifting away from pure White Americana. So those regions economically remain stagnant, population remains low/dropping, and then ironically requires the financial help from successful cities full of diverse folks in order to even survive. New York City by itself is a top 20 global economy, while you see entire states like Alabama and Mississippi hanging by a thread---their rejection of what America should be remains its obstacle towards any semblance of improvement.     

Epic Universe truly shines when everything is in operation. The biggest setback of this park is how often this does not actually happen.

The park’s scope from the aesthetical standpoint is grand, but the actual offerings themselves is so slim that you have to pray that nothing goes down otherwise you’re missing out on a large portion of the park. During my visit to Epic Universe, ALL FOUR major sections had rides/experiences go down, simultaneously. Then, since the number of attractions is so small, we end up seeing gigantic lines on those rides that are still functioning. I only got to do two rides, Yoshi and Mario Kart. I waited in line for two other attractions where the queue stopped moving, and by 3:00 I was exhausted from playing the game of “Will this open?” and “Where should I hide when the rain starts?”

Just like the United States, Epic Universe is a lengthy checklist of missed opportunities. Celestial Park is a giant open-air heat dome during the brutal summers, offering very little outside of walking space and multiple food options. They have their primary roller coaster between the hotel and Harry Potter, which is nice, but it seriously lacks smaller attractions and potential entertainment options. How does a Celestial Park not have a themed observatory? How is there not a spot where you can see stars at night? They had to add another evening show because the region is so boring. As for Wizarding World, why was there only one ride? Harry Potter is similar to Star Wars in which it features a setting so massive, so vast, you can do practically anything with it. Just like Galaxy’s Edge, this section also feels like it left some ideas in the cutting block.

The biggest crime is with the Mushroom Kingdom. The Nintendo section is way too claustrophobic, way too compact, and not enough was built to meet with the expected demand. One of the most popular IPs in theme park history should have had the largest explorable section, the largest dining space, and Nintendo has dozens of individual IPs to choose from to formulate attractions. Epic Universe should have also launched with Zelda or Pokemon or Luigi’s Mansion or even Metroid. Maybe a Mario Golf, maybe a Yoshi’s Island, but the developers definitely left a lot on the table. On top of that, Mario Kart and the Yoshi ride both deserve much better, especially the ultra-short Yoshi ride.

What drives me nuts was how some people who heard me complain talk about “They are already looking to expand the park!!” My only response is “Why not just build everything you want to build and allow the park to open and operate at max potential capacity?” Fully committing to the idea would have saved me the headache of wasting a day hoping some attractions reopen because you can only visit so many snack stands while waiting for something to start functioning again. Magic Kingdom has four times as many overall attractions as Epic Universe (plus a giant fireworks show and multiple parades), and it’s all contained in a space smaller than Epic. I’m not asking for Epic to have 40+ attractions like Magic, but at the very least hit the 20 mark.

Just like the United States, Epic Universe is also consumed by extreme greed, and usually at the expense of those who don’t have as much funds. I don’t even want to discuss their system with the disability pass, let’s just say that was an absolute disaster and I will never ever approach Universal about any sort of relief for my autistic brother who suffers from heat exhaustion. Disney has definitely been a bit messy in that department, but my experience in Epic was atrocious to say the least-----much like the behavior of the United States politicians towards the most vulnerable in our communities.

The reason for the absolute lack of help is likely because as a company, Universal is doing what most of these entertainment companies are doing, paywalling the hell out of everything. The tickets are already pricy, so then we also have to pay wild fees just to park the car, and then if you want to be able to ride everything it will be more money to have access to line-skipping features. Mushroom Kingdom has these cool little games you can play---but it will cost you $30-$40 per person for those bands. Epic Universe may lack in attractions, but they definitely flooded the remaining space with food and merchandise options. I know Disney likely has more, but it felt more egregious here, as you don’t have many places to hide for when the sun is strong and the thunderstorms are vicious. And yes, the food is pricier here in Epic than it is in the Disney parks, which I never thought I’d see the day where Disney gets outperformed on lack of dining affordability.

United States of America is also flooded with paywalls and expensive food, as the U.S. is not exactly a top producer in anything outside of tech and military, and politically has also failed to rein in the outlandish practices of the tech companies holding up the economy. Just think about what has happened to the gaming, television, music, cinema, health, delivery, and airline industries---all have contributed heavily to the enshittification of services and increase of cost of living with their extreme capitalist decisions big and small. Epic Universe had the chance to avoid creating these awkward experiences like what we’ve been seeing in the Disney Parks among their recent expansions, but alas a tasty garlic pretzel costs almost $15. It was also hilarious for me to not be able to get a simple cup of soft serve from the Donkey Kong kiosk because it HAS to be sold in the giant souvenir barrel.

Epic Universe has a lot of potential; it might reach it someday (similar to my opinion about Disney’s Hollywood Studios). But as of now, I can’t recommend it at full price, not even at half price. It requires luck to arrive on a day where everything is working, it requires extra money to have in your back pocket, it requires a gallon of sunscreen and protective gear while traversing the heat dome known as Celestial Park, and you have to arrive very early as the park opens early for those with the extra money to stay at the nearby hotel. Epic Universe favors those who can afford the hotel, who can afford the annual pass, who can afford to visit multiple times in order to actually be able to experience it all.

To be blunt, Epic Universe is purposefully built to require multiple visits, despite being a park with fewer attractions to begin with. It’s one thing to be like Magic Kingdom, with over 40 attractions, multiple parades, and a daily capacity of at least 45,000 every day----zero chance you can do it all because the park is packed enough to be split in half and still offer a day’s worth of activities and interactions, and I’m not even including the Halloween and Christmas events. Epic Universe has only a dozen or so attractions, and they are scattered about in a specific way in which you lose so much time trying to get from one point to the next, and this is while you’re hoping that the next section won’t have massive crowds and delays.

It could have been an A+ park, but would rather settle to be a C+ to gain some extra money from a specific class of consumers. It’s the Las Vegas strategy of sacrificing quality for the middle/lower-class in favor of the heavy-spenders. United States is similar in which it can be an overall A+ country to live in, and has the money, space, resources, community, and willpower to be highly rated alongside the likes of the Nordic countries, Netherlands, Switzerland, Singapore, and Austria. However, the politicians and those with the most influence cannot give up chasing the wealth, and therefore has transformed the United States into a giant crapshoot, where depending on your family background mixed with location determines how easy/rough life can be. In this chaotic country, anybody can become rich, but at the same time we’re all a couple bad months away from becoming the very person seen begging on the streets. The social and economical safety nets are few and far in between.

Epic Universe and the United States of America can be great, they don’t have to be mediocre bordering on frustrating disappointments engaged with broken systems and broken mindsets. They just both require better leadership, better planning, and a willingness to think about the community instead of the next dollar. Before the park opened, people genuinely thought Epic was going to be the Disney killer. I assure you, they are not there yet. Maybe in the future, but as of now Disney doesn’t have to panic at all.

P.S. Kill the Electoral College.

P.P.S. Free Idea: a Mario Party attraction where the queue is a giant game board.